Wasted Away
by kryscrossed
Summary: A Skittery fic. You'll love it. And I'm not just saying that. I cannot tell a lie. Yeah, that was a lie. Summary: I just sorta existed. I made just enough money selling papes to get by. No more, no less.
1. Wasted Away

**((AN: lyrics belong to My Favorite Highway. Skittery belongs to Disney… and New York belongs to me. I wish.)**

**_I've fallen victim to my greatest fear  
The calendar marks that I lost a whole year  
Three-sixty-five of barely alive  
Grace took her good natured time to arrive_**

I turned my collar up in an attempt to ward off the bone chilling wind before shoving my hands back into my pockets. I was walking aimlessly down the New York City streets, which is a dumb thing to do in the middle of the winter, especially since I didn't have any particular destination in mind. But, all things considered, it was better then being at the lodging house. That place is like a ghost town. It makes me feel old, every time I step through the door. Too old to be a newsie anymore. Most of the guys from the strike have moved on. Davy had only hung around for a few more months before his father got his job back and made him go back to school. Jack had lasted a few months longer then that, before he found himself a job in a factory. God only knows what happened to Racetrack. Last I heard he was making his money as a bookie down at Sheepshead. Mush and Kid Blink had both gotten jobs at the distribution office, replacing the Delancey brothers. Everybody else had just kind of faded away, finding jobs, or some semblance thereof.

And me… well, I just sorta existed. I made just enough money selling papes to get by. No more, no less. God forbid I make enough money to actually get out of the lodging house. It was like I'd become hollow. Going through the motions of a daily routine. And I only did that to keep myself from starving to death. Not that I haven't considered the possibility that death might be a step up from this half life I'm living now. But deep down I didn't want to die. I'll admit it, death scares me. Not so much the dying part, but what came after. If anything does come after. My mother, God rest her soul, had believed in heaven. For her sake, I hope she was right. For my sake, I hope she was right.

**_Oh my God, this year has dealt me a horrible hand  
I'll try and explain, but you won't understand  
Well wait, what's today's date?  
There's plenty of time left to procrastinate, or plan my escape_**

I shivered as a gust of wind broke past my defenses, it's icy breath slipping past my collar, raising goose bumps on my arms. I should really get back to the lodging house. I looked around, trying to get my bearings. It probably hadn't been the smartest thing to walk around, and not pay attention to where I was going. Especially in this city. A guy could live here his whole life, and still not see the whole thing. There was a bookstore, and a bakery… both looked closed, their owners probably safe in their warm beds, unlike me.

Then I saw her, across the street, by the bakery. Her normally kempt hair was being blown from it's pins, and she was struggling to balance her packages without dropping anything. I stared for a moment surprised to see her. I had to think for a minute to remember how long it had been. Almost a year. Almost a year since the last time I had laid eyes on Beth-Anne Montgomery. It felt more like an eternity. I forced my feet forward again, fighting the urge to turn and walk away. Don't let anyone ever tell you I'm not a gentleman. Because I am, and what I was about to do would prove it to you.

"Need some help?" She looked up startled, and I swear my heart skipped a beat when her beautiful green eyes met mine. She had the eyes of an angel. Or a fairy. Or… I don't know, something poetic. I couldn't possibly give a description that would do them justice. She deserved a description by… what's that guys name? Shakespeare? Anyways, my heart skipped a beat. And it killed me that she could still have that affect on me after so long.

"Skittery?" Her face was flushed from the cold, but I coulda sworn it turned two shades darker when she saw me. Yeah… that's what seeing a ghost from your past will do to you. "How- how are you?"

I almost laughed at the question. Only she would think to be civil while walking through a blizzard, carrying three bulky packages while the wind ripped at her hair and coat.

"I'm fine," I answered. I'm such a liar. "You?"

She hesitated a moment before she spoke, "Fine."

Well, look at that we're both liars. And bad ones too. At least, she is, I've become quite good at lying these past few years.

_**  
Let me go  
Let me go**_

We stood silently for a few moments, before I came to my senses, and reached out taking the packages from her, and offering my arm. See, more proof, I am a gentleman. She took my proffered elbow, and I'm pretty sure all the spit dried up in my mouth. And you can log that as more proof that I'm not poetic.

"Where you headed?" I asked, desperate for conversation to break the awkward silence.

"Home," she answered, "I went out to pick up some things for Papa, before this storm hit. Just my luck."

I bit my lip to keep from snorting, or saying something that I would regret. Yeah, this girl had it real bad. Her father owned half the factories in the city, and she lived in a monstrous house in the nicest part of town. She's one real unlucky girl. Then again, she knew me… maybe she was unlucky.

"So," she began, her turn to break the silence, "What have you been doing?"

What she was really asking was, 'have you finally quit being a newsie, and gotten yourself a real job?'

I shrugged, "Not much, just getting by, you know?" No, she didn't know.

"What about you, anything new in your life?"

When she didn't answer, I glanced down at her, and was surprised to see those green eyes moist with tears. She blinked rapidly, and swallowed a few times before she spoke, her voice shaky, "My mother- she- she passed away. In February Almost a year ago."

My throat closed up. I wanted to kick myself for all those horrible thoughts I'd had just a few moments ago, about how lucky she was. Truthfully, I'm just bitter. They say it's better to have loved and lost then to never have loved at all. I say whoever wrote that was an idiot. ****

The autumn leaves join in a bittersweet chorus  
A hymn so inspired as if to inform us they're leaving soon  
And she sends a kiss that we just barely miss  
Before winter sets in and exposes our sins

"Beth- I'm so sorry. I didn't know."

Beth looked up at me, her lips turning up slightly in a forced smile, "I didn't tell you. I should have, but I didn't."

My mind was racing, I had always thought that she had just gotten tired of me. We had met right after the strike, her father being involved with the factories; it was only natural for us to see each other occasionally. I had finally gotten the guts to talk to her, and we had forged a friendship. We had been friends for about a year when I decided to tell her my true feelings. I told her that I loved her. I had gone to meet her the next day, but she hadn't shown up. I never saw her again, until today.

I opened my mouth to say something- anything intelligent, but she beat me too it. She stopped walking, forcing me to do the same. I turned to face her, my back against the stinging wind, sheltering her as much as I could.

_**I want to be where nobody knows me  
I'll be behind the perfect disguise  
I'll drive away, I'll disappear  
I want to be anywhere, but here**_

"Skittery- I'm- I'm so sorry. I should have talked to you. I should have told you." She looked down, using the toe of her shoe to push the snow around on the sidewalk. "It's just- right after she died, I- I didn't get out much. I locked myself in my bedroom. My father finally broke down the door so he could get into me, and make me eat something. I didn't go outside for a month. And by that time… well, it had been too long. I thought about going to the lodging house and talking to you, but I didn't know what to say. So I waited, and the weeks turned into months, and before I knew it, it had been a year. I figured you probably hated me by now."

I had to swallow, because I couldn't possibly force words past the lump in my throat. I ran my hand through my hair, looking down at her. Her head was down and she was still staring at her shoe.

"Beth- you- you should have come to me. I would have been there for you, don't you know that?"

She looked up at me, tears threatening to spill from her eyes, and she nodded, the look on her face pure misery, "I'm sorry."

She took the packages back from me, wiping at her eyes, "It's only another block over, I can make it on my own. Thank you, Skittery. You mean more to me then you could possibly know."

I watched her turn away, disappearing down the street, as I stood, my feet cemented to the sidewalk.**_  
_**

**_Spring-time, ever changing  
My life's re-arranging  
So it seems I'm going down now  
Tears fall on the ash, my heart's fading fast  
_**

The freezing wind finally got the better of me, and I began walking again, this time towards the lodging house. My head hurt. For a moment there I had actually let myself think I had a chance. I believe there's another famous saying, "Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me." The guy who said that… now he knew what he was talking about.

One thing I knew for certain; my days as a newsie were over. I'd wasted a whole year of my life, just because I thought a girl had dumped me. Sometimes I think I'm more of an idiot then most people give me credit for.

I rubbed my hand over my face, wishing I could wash the year away. Tomorrow was a new day. Tomorrow I'm gonna be a new man. I'm gonna find a job, and move on with my life. No more wasted days.

Tomorrow is my new reality.

****

While I wait for the new year  
To introduce new fears  
While I'm wishing that i could be  
Anywhere, but here


	2. Come Clean

_**((AN: Lyrics belong to My Favorite Highway. Newsies belongs to Disney))**_

_**Is it wrong to assume that you missed me?  
Because the look in your eyes says that you're dying to kiss me  
The touch of your lips is tasteful and forgiving  
A part of the past that I don't mind reliving **_

She was in my arms, and we were dancing, surrounded by the greenery of Central Park. Nothing could ever compete with the feeling of her in my arms.

She looked up at me with those amazing green eyes of hers, and I think my heart stopped. Or maybe it was my brain that stopped because before I could control myself, I was leaning down to kiss her.

The moment our lips touched- well, let's just say that moment convinced me that heaven really does exist.

And then I opened my eyes. But instead of looking into the face of an angel, I was staring at the dirty wall of the room I was renting.

I flipped over onto my other side so I could see out the window. It was still dark outside, but I could hear movement down on the streets. It must've been early morning. I probably had another half hour or so before I had to be up, but I knew I wouldn't be able to get back to sleep. I still wasn't used to the quiet of this place. I guess after sharing a room with twenty-odd boys every night for the past ten years or so I'd gotten used to sleeping amidst constant noise. Even in the middle of the night, when we were all sleeping, there were the creaks of the beds, and snoring, and always someone talking in their sleep. Usually Mush. That kid talked more when he was asleep then when he was awake.

Between the eerie silence, and the fact that every time I fell asleep I dreamed of Beth-Anne, I wasn't getting a whole lot of rest.

I sighed and pushed the covers off, getting out of bed, and beginning my day. I really hate myself sometimes.

**_Lying awake in the dark,_**

**_Well don't you think that we're taking this a little to far  
Don't ask me questions, show me answers  
The policy is honesty and nothing is censored _**

I finished my morning routine in record time, and headed out into the warm spring air. It had been about three months since I'd seen Beth that day on the street. Three whole months, and I still couldn't stop thinking about her.

It really pissed me off that she had such a strong hold on me still. I'd always prided myself in being invincible. Never letting anybody get too close. I always acted like it was because I was too good to let anybody in. The guy who could get by on his own, never needing anybody's help.

The truth is it was because I'm a coward. And a selfish one at that. I just didn't want to get hurt. So I built my walls, for whatever the stupid reason, and they worked pretty well for the most part. Until Beth. She somehow managed to find a crack. And once she'd found her way in, there was no hope. God, I'm pathetic. And I should probably stop saying "God." You know, in case that heaven thing really does exist.

At least I'd finally quit being a newsie. That was a step in the right direction. Ironically enough, I'd gotten a job at the same factory Jack was working at. Even more ironically, it was a factory Beth's father owned. I just can't escape her.

__

Nobody wants to, but everyone needs to come clean  
While we break bad habits  
Try and be good when you're misunderstood  
Trade one heart for another  
Stop, just hit the breaks, I've had all I can take  
The need to compensate for all our mistakes  
We fake the love we make  
What you get is what you take

I arrived at the factory a few minutes early, and was surprised to see Jack there already. Usually he was late. I think he still thought of himself as "Jack Kelly the great strike leader." But in reality most people had already forgotten about the strike. I mean, look at us, we bust our butts for 8 hours a day for a few dollars a week. We were really on the road to greatness.

"Hey Jack." I said as I walked up, nodding at him.

"Skittery." He responded. Jack seldom formed whole sentences in the morning. He dropped the cigarette he had been smoking on the ground, grinding his heel on top of it before falling into step beside me.

"What are you doing here so early?" I asked, my curiosity getting the better of me. Or maybe it was just the need for conversation.

"Haven't you heard?" Jack asked, smirking at me, "The big guy's gonna be here today. He has a meeting with Whyte."

"Oh." Big deal. It's not like he's gonna see that Jack decided to grace us with his presence, and give him a promotion. I hope not anyway, that would really piss me off.

The doors of the factory were unlocked, and I made my way up to my station, Nodding a goodbye in Jack's direction.

The day went by slower then usual, and by the time the bell rang signaling the end of the work day every part of my body was hurting. My back was aching from sitting hunched over, my eyes stinging from staring at tiny pieces as I fitted them together, and my head hurt from the stuffiness of the room.

I put my things away like the good little employee that I was, and moved towards the door, anticipating the fresh air.

Unfortunately, when I stepped outside, my lungs stopped working. No fresh air for me. Standing next to a carriage, beside a towering figure of a man was none other then Beth. I couldn't believe my eyes. It was like a bad dream that I couldn't wake up from.

I wanted to look away, but I couldn't. She was laughing at something her father had said, and that only made it worse. She had a great laugh. Not all high pitched and annoying like a lot of the girls I know. Her laugh was real. It was contagious.

Her eyes found mine, and I think it actually surprised her for a moment. She froze, and we both stood where we were, staring at each other across a distance of about twenty feet.

In those few seconds I came to a realization. Knowing the truth about why she had stopped speaking to me only made things worse. At least when I thought she'd just been playing games with me, I was able to hate her a little bit. But knowing what had really happened. Well, that just meant she really was as perfect as I thought she was. And on top of that she'd had a tragedy to deal with. How do you hate somebody in that situation?

I was about to turn away, when she started walking towards me. Oh great, here we go again.

"Skittery. It's good to see you." Her smile was hesitant as If she didn't know quite what to say.****

Well it's cruel to be kind, but you're to kind to be cruel  
And you've never had a problem with me playing the fool  
It's perfectly fair if you're fully aware  
And I wouldn't dare, it's a secret, I swear.  
You've never been the one to let down your guard  
But this is my game face and I'm playing the right cards  
You're so selfish you're already sweating  
Staring down the barrel of a shotgun wedding

"Hello, Beth." I answered, hoping my own smile was as convincing as hers.

"So you're working here now?"

Yeah no kidding. Way to pick up on the details. I think I'm becoming bitter, I really need to stop that. "Yeah, I am. It's good, pays better then being a newsie." Barely.

"That's good, I'm glad for you."

I cleared my throat, "So, uh, how have you been?"

"I've been good." She looked down, and that's when I noticed it. She was wearing a ring on her finger. Her left hand, ring finger. "I'm engaged. To Jonathon Black."

Breathe, Skittery. Just breathe. "Wow, that's great. I'm happy for you."

Beth shrugged showing a forced smile, "Papa's happy, he thinks it's a good match."

I raised my eyebrows at that, "You don't want to get married?"

"No," She answered slowly, her eyes guarded, "I do want to get married."

"Just not to him, right?"

Beth's cheeks tinged pink. I knew her better then she'd thought. She shrugged again, but her face betrayed her real feelings. "Papa thinks it's best."

I shook my head, looking away from her in disgust. "What happened to you?" I asked, looking back at her. "That doesn't sound anything like the Beth I used to know."

Anger sparked in her eyes. Well, that was new. I don't think I'd ever seen her angry before. At least not at me. "I'm a different person now."

"Yeah, I guess so." I shot back, unable to hold my tongue.

"The death of a mother can do that to somebody."

I can't believe she just said that to me. "Look," I said, trying to keep my temper under control, "I'm sorry about your ma, I really am. But don't talk to me like I don't know what pain is. I've dealt with more pain in my life then you could even begin to imagine. You act like you've had it so rough. Look at you, you're like a spoiled princess."

"Well, aren't you all high and mighty! As if that pain you talk about didn't change you!" She said right back, her eyes blazing.

"Of course it didn't!"

"Oh, come on!" She exclaimed, her hand on her hip, "You walk around with this giant chip on your shoulder! You act like nobody could ever understand you, poor pitiful Skittery. And God forbid someone try to get close to you."

Well, that was enough for me, I turned away so fast my back began to ache again. I didn't even look back.

I hate it when she's right.

__

Nobody wants to, but everyone needs to come clean  
While we break bad habits  
Try and be good when you're misunderstood  
Trade one heart for another  
Stop, just hit the breaks, I've had all I can take  
The need to compensate for all our mistakes  
We fake the love we make  
What you get is what you take

I turned the corner, walking angrily back towards the building I now called home. Well, at least I had a reason to be mad at her now. Maybe that would help me to forget her.

I doubt it, but hey, I can be optimistic. And don't ever let anyone tell you otherwise.

_**  
It's over now  
All that you gave is fading out  
Nothing is as it was. **_


	3. Alive

_**((AN: Lyrics are still MFH's. Newsies is still Disneys. New York is still not mine.))**_

_**I've finally come to realize that we are all the same  
If there's nothing left to lose then there's everything to gain  
All the paragraphs and pages you could write could not contain  
It is curious and careless and it's flowing through my veins **_

I swung the door of the restaurant open, scanning the people inside for a familiar face. I finally spotted Jack, sitting in a corner booth, a half eaten sandwich on the table in front of him. I made my way over to him, looking around and taking in the details of the room. It was Tibby's, the same place we'd had our strike meetings. I hadn't been here since then, but the place looked exactly the same. It was weird that something could feel like a lifetime ago, and then in the space of a few seconds, feel like it had just happened yesterday.

I slid into the booth across from Jack, shaking my head at a waiter who offered to get me a drink. "So, Jack, what'd you want me to meet you for?" I asked, getting right to the point.

Jack took a bite of his sandwich, chewing for much longer then was necessary. I fought the urge to roll my eyes. I really don't know what Jack would do with himself if he didn't have enough attention. Finally he swallowed. "Well, I've got a proposition for ya."

"Whaddya mean?" I asked, my eyes narrowing suspiciously. Anytime Jack said something like that it made me suspicious. And I'm not a very suspicious guy, most of the time. ****

The fear of growing old, and doing what you're told

**_  
You can't disguise a heart while it's breaking  
You hide behind the smile you're faking  
It's all about the chance you're taking  
Oh, and you know that you're making it all come alive  
It all come alive_**

Jack smirked at me, "How'd you like to go out west with me?"

Well, that wasn't what I was expecting. "Are you serious? You're going west? Since when?"

"I'm going ta Sante Fe. C'mon, Skitts, you know I've been talking about it forever. Well, I'm finally gonna go. I thought you might wanna come along, shed this hole in the wall city and start over somewhere new."

Well, my first thought was that he had gone completely crazy. "Are you serious?"

"Yeah, why not? There's nothing around here for us, but living on a few lousy dollars a week? There's adventure out west. And space. Not like here."

I sat back on the bench, staring at him thoughtfully. I'd never considered it before. To be honest, I liked the city. It was always moving, always alive. The west sounded kinda boring. And it always freaked me out to think of all that space with so few people. But maybe it wasn't such a bad idea after all. Starting over sounded nice.

"So whaddya say?"

"I don't know." I answered. If I said yes now I would never have a chance to back out. Jack was the kind of guy to take an idea and run with it. He didn't exactly give it a whole lot of thought. "Let me think about it."

"Alright, well, you think about it. And when you've decided to come with me, let me know." Jack dropped some coins on the table, and pushed out, offering one last smirk before he left.

Same old cocky Jack.

****

If your life is so damn comfortable then why do you complain?  
A reflection in the alcohol you're pouring down the drain  
Just because you paint a picture doesn't mean it fits the frame  
This is my west coast intervention and I'm getting on that train.

I was just about to follow him out the door when it swung open again, revealing none other then Beth-Anne. Somewhere, somebody's having a good laugh at my expense. It just wasn't normal. I spent a whole year without seeing the girl, and now it was like I couldn't get away from her. And if I'm being completely honest, only half of me wanted to get away from her. The other half of me… The other half couldn't stand to not be near her. That half was dying to jump out of my seat, and go to her, tell her how sorry I was for being a jerk. Beg her to forgive me.

But that first half was the stubborn half. So instead I stayed rooted to my seat. Willing her not to see me.

I couldn't help myself. I chanced a glance back at her, still standing by the door. I really shouldn't have looked. She looked different. Her hair was still perfectly pinned, her dress clean, and no doubt expensive. She stood with her back straight, scanning the restaurant. To everybody else she looked like the perfect lady, maybe a little out of place in a cheap diner.

To me, she looked all wrong. It was her eyes… they looked so different. I couldn't quite place it, they just seemed wrong.

Against my better judgment, I slid out of my booth, making my way over to her. "Hello, Beth."

She met my gaze, and forced a small smile. "Skittery. We just keep running into each other."

"Yeah, I guess we do. Would you like to sit?" I swear, I'm way nicer then people give me credit for.

She nodded, and I led her over to a clean table. We sat, both of us silent. I guess neither of us new what to say, after our last encounter. I traced the pattern of the wood grain on the table, lost in thought. I had to admit, I'd changed a lot in the last few months. At least it felt like I did. I'm pretty sure it was because of Beth. But she'd changed too. I still couldn't believe she was getting married. It just seemed so wrong. It made me want to throw up. I glanced at her hand, looking for the ring. Which wasn't there. The ring wasn't there.

"Wha-" I started to ask, but she cut me off before I could get the word out.

She smiled, a little bitterly I might add, holding up her left hand, as if she'd known what I was about to say. "I gave it back." She said, before allowing her hand to drop back down to the table. "You were right… everything you said the other day." She shrugged, her voice trailing off.

I closed my eyes, wishing I could sink into the floor. Not that I hadn't been right, or anything, she was just making me feel really crummy about it. I hated to think it was my fault that she was upset. And I'm not even being sarcastic when I say that.

****

When all of your mistakes are keeping you awake

You can't disguise a heart while it's breaking  
You hide behind the smile you're faking  
It's all about the chance you're taking  
Oh, and you know that you're making it all come alive  
It all come alive

"I'm sorry." I said after a minute.

She smiled again, this time it wasn't as bitter, "Liar."

I let out a small laugh at that, nodding in agreement, "Yeah, I am."

The tension eased after that, we both seemed to settle more comfortably in our seats. "Listen," I began, trying to find the right words, "What you said the other day- you were right, too. I can be a real jerk sometimes, you know?"

"I guess we both can." She answered, shrugging, "Maybe I understand why a little more now."

_**  
The sun is setting and it's ending 'cause you're letting it go  
Forgetting everything you already know  
And it all goes to show that you're moving to slow  
It will end up changing you, it will end up changing you  
**_

Silence settled over us once again, but this time is felt comfortable.

"You know," I began, breaking the silence after a few minutes, "You're good for me."

A full smile spread across her face, and her eyes changed again. Now those were the eyes I remembered. I could actually feel my heartbeat skipping around in my chest. I missed her looking at me like that.

"I think you're good for me too."

"So, what'd your dad say about all this? You not getting married again?'

I just can't keep my mouth shut when I should. That light in her eyes flickered again, but it didn't go out all the way. Not like before.

"He's pretty upset with me. He hasn't talked to me in two days." She shrugged, looking back at me, "It's ok though, he'll come around. He just wants what's best for me. He worries about me, now that Mama's not around."

"He doesn't need to worry about you. You've got a good head on your shoulders."

"Did I see Jack leaving when I came in?" She asked changing the subject.

"Yeah, he had an offer for me." I said, not giving details.

"Are you going to take him up on it?"

"No. No, I don't think I am."****

Life flies by so you have to embrace it  
Forget the past 'cause you can't outrace it  
So live the dream, and learn to chase it  
And when you can almost taste it  
It's all come alive


End file.
